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The Likability Factor

I frequently ask my TalkPower client “ what is your personal objective in giving a presentation?” The answer usually is: to communicate a message, to sell a product, to convince them to do something, to unite people, and other variations on these themes. The answers are usually about the speech, never about the speaker. From my point of view, the most important personal objective is to be likeable. By this I mean general impression of confidence, ease, credibility, and warmth you project so that people feel comfortable with you.

Likeability happens when you are in control of yourself. Then you are able to be clear, not talk too fast, and your words flow with ease. A likeable speaker has a much better chance of getting an idea across, selling a product, convincing people to vote for him, and certainly winning an election. Our resent history abounds with stories of politicians who seemingly came out of nowhere to capture the public vote simply because people “like them.” I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

Now, the reason I make such a fuss about this likeability notion is because so many people secretly believe that before they have a right to ask others to listen to them, they have to be brilliant, superintelligent, clever, witty, dynamic, innovative, or else they do not deserve to stand in front of an audience and talk. As a result, either you avoid speaking or your talk is top heavy with facts, statistics, attempts at inspiring generalizations, and huff-and-puff.

How unnecessary! Just use the TalkPower formula (the innovative concentration exercises, the focusing and stress reduction techniques), tell stories, look away from your script at the audience from time to time, handling yourself in a leader-like manner… In other words, be likable, and you will be a huge success!

For the TalkPower formula see the kindle book or attend one of the in-person TalkPower workshops
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TalkPower Kindle

 Dear God, please, please I'm begging you, help us lose that competition so I won't have to make the acceptance speech.

Copyright 2015 TalkPower

copyright TalkPower 2015

copyright TalkPower 2015

Public Speaking Phobia Acquired Later in Life

I used to love speaking in public and I don’t know what happened but for the last three years, whenever an opportunity comes up when I have to make a comment, address a group, or ask a question at a meeting, at that precise moment all of my brain functions jam. And there I am, hopeless, shamed…I fee like a victim in front of a firing squad.

                                                                        -Erwin, accountant

 Some 70 percent of my students and clients recall that from early childhood they were shy and didn’t speak up, the other 30 percent who suffer from public speaking phobia had a different story. These people were once excellent speakers. Generally outgoing, they were active in drama and debate clubs, were class valedictorian or presidents of class societies.

They all report that one day their ability to speak in public vanished and they had abandon all opportunities. Behavioral psychology tells us that phobias happen after a traumatic event—usually an experience that shakes the individual to his/her core—like a psychological near death experience. This could be as serious as a terrible car accident, sudden death of a loved one, a natural disaster, and experience in combat, acts of terrorism, rape, etc. Oddly enough, experiences that one can consider rather benign can also produce such an effect. For example, going away to college, moving to a new community, losing a job, etc. although these events are no where as near as life threatening as those in the previous list, with certain individuals they can fall under the category of traumatic events. As a result one sense of personal control and safety is utterly shattered at the deepest level of self, resulting in Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The stress reaction can appear immediately or up to two years after the traumatic event. No matter what the cause, or the variety or precipitating events, the result can be a phobia, such as fears of flying, driving, fear of heights, or enclosed spaces. The phobia triggered by a particular event can them generalize to other areas, such as fear of escalators or trains, or a sudden panic attack in front of an audience.

The panic attack causes an episode of thought blocking and becomes another traumatic event that will not be forgotten. The next time an opportunity for speaking arises you are psychologically transported to the past—and that moment when you are speechless. You simply cannot do it; you decline with some excuse. One avoidant excuse leads to another, and in a very short time you have glossophobia, an irrational fear of speaking in public.

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Shame

I feel very damaged…like I have a major handicap when I stand in front of other people and have to speak. I am like a non-person.

                                                                        -Arthur

Trapped---Silent---blaming themselves, phobic speakers hide among us. Millions of people are so afraid of public exposure that they invent the most bizarre excuses to avoid speaking in public. Accidents, dead relatives, illnesses, robberies, and cutting class, serve to avoid the dreadful task. These people have a common despair, yet do not know one another and have no idea that so many others suffer as they do. Many other groups come out, talking openly about their problems. People in 12 step programs, for example, find support and dignity by telling their stories. They have learned the healing power of sharing and do not avoid speaking out. However, those with public speaking phobia would be horrified by the idea, they have a terrible need for secrecy. Memories of past denigration are so painful that they are paralyzed by shame.  Avoiding the natural impulse to reach out, they do not ask for help. Embarrassed they withdraw and remain silent.

Donald, a workshop participant, introduced himself as a nuclear engineer. He mentioned that he had an identical twin brother. Donald’s fear of public speaking was so intense that he found himself literally hiding from his manager on the days of the month when summary presentations were made. Later when I asked if his brother had the same problem, Donald said he did not know. So deep was his shame that he had never even shared his problem with his twin brother.

This story is typical. To avoid public speaking speech phobic clients turn down jobs, promotions, invitations to chair meetings, to teach, to make a toast, even to accept an award. One CEO of a major corporation told me sadly that he had been invited to speak all over the world but could never go. Another man fainted when he was nominated for prestigious award. So terrible was his anxiety about standing up to receive his award in public.

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Denial

Not only is there an individual silence about speaking in public, there is also a national silence. The problem receives so little attention you would think it doesn’t exist. For example, there are no public speaking phobia specialists attached to speech departments in colleges and universities. There is no National Public Speaking-Phobia Society; even the Encyclopedia Britanica, under the category of “speech” has no reference to this condition. In the speech category, although various esoteric conditions and maladies are cited, there is no listing of public speaking phobia itself, although it has a name: glossophobia.

Why is it that in the United States—one of the few countries in the world where freedom of speech is guaranteed by a constitution—fear of speaking in public is the number one phobia? This is a question I asked every time I appeared on radio or television during my first book tour. Nobody seemed to have an answer.

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WHY AM I AFRAID TO SPAEAK IN PUBLIC

“My father was a very respected orthodontist. All of my colleagues new him and thought very highly of him.………He was a very accomplished man Of course he was very critical and tough on me ……….I felt so inadequate next to him. I really feel it when I am at a meeting with other professionals. I know people are looking at me and comparing me to my father and I feel so demolished, I become speechless”

                                                                                                                          Philip Orthodontist

DISCIPLINE OR ABUSE

Verbal pounding is not considered child abuse nor does it fall into the category of criminal neglect. No person from Social Services will show up to investigate a parent who calls his child “stupid” or “lazy” every day. Yet this is psychological abuse.  This insulting  way of  communicating with a child destroys  self esteem and confidence, making any kind of public performance an ordeal, if not a devastating experience

“I went to a very strict school” “Children should be seen and not heard,” “ was the prevailing philosophy. We were discouraged from speaking up in class unless we were asked a direct question. In the beginning I was very out going, but I was punished so many times for speaking up, that I became very quiet.”

There is no escape. The incidents where one is required to make some sort of an appearance under the glare of public scrutiny are everywhere. While the necessity of performing has never been greater, the number of people suffering from performance anxiety and fear of speaking in public has grown to epidemic proportions.

    Many people try to explore this problem in therapy, hoping that with a proper understanding of how the phobia developed it will eventually leave. The results are disappointing because a phobia, a response of the autonomic nervous system, cannot be eliminated by sitting in a chair and talking about it. 

     Trying desperately to hide the inability to speak in public  so it does not seem to intrude or disrupt their lives, people manage to cope, very often to become successful in their careers. However when the opportunity arises to do a presentation, the situation becomes a nightmare. One TalkPower student introduced herself as the head of a large government agency. ”I enhance the careers of my  staff. How? When I am asked to do a presentation I give it to one of my staff members and so in this way I enhance their careers".

Many of my clients and students blame themselves. They feel that there is definitely something wrong with them, like a birth defect. The fact is no healthy baby is born with an inhibition. Babies cry when they are tired, wet, hungry and whatever else displeases them. Babies have no problem expressing themselves. Think! When  was your expression crushed? Who do you think made you afraid? Unfortunately, knowing how you developed this problem will not help you to get rid of it .There is an exemption to this rule .And that is in the case of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome .(People who never had a problem speaking in public who suddenly find one day that they have a panic attack or other such reaction to having to do a presentation )About 25 percent of my students and clients fall unto this PTS  category .I will discuss this in a future  blog.The remedy is exactly the same as it is for people who have had at the problem all of their lives . Read on. 

                                   MISSING PERFORMANCE SKILLS 

Instead of thinking of your fear of speaking in public as a sick psychological syndrome let’s look at this condition not as a phobia but as  as a skills deficit. That’s right .You have never developed " performance skills" so you avoid opportunities to speak in public because  you fall apart in front of an audience. Why? Because so much pressure of one kind or another was put upon you  in the past,  that you developed a super sensitivity to being looked at. And now you can't stand being the center of attention. This is not the end of the story ! The good news is that  there is a method for training you  to develop performance skills  so that  when people are looking at you"PERFORMANCE SKILLS"  give  your brain  the neural patterns (skills) for holding on to your concentration. That means that you are able to focus on what you have to say and not on the audience and what they think of you. Amazing as it sounds  with the right kind of training you can  look forward to being proud and happy to speak in public. Join the many thousands of professionals  who have found their voice through Talkpower Training . (see Talkpower Inc.com)

Performance Anxiety Appears in Many Situations 

.   Presenting a formal speech in front of an audience.

.  Meeting around a table

.  In a circle where you have to introduce yourself

.  A job interview

.  Speaking to the press

.  Accepting an award

.  Making a toast

.  Asking or answering a question in class

.  Reading in a church or synagogue

.  Playing golf tennis or any spectator sport

.  Acting in a play

.  An audition

.  Playing a musical instrument

.  Being photographed or videoed

.  Walking down in aisle at a wedding

.  Being paged when you’re  name is called and having to stand up and walk

.  Appearing in court as a witness or as an attorney

.  Delivering a eulogy

.  Speaking at a PTA meting or a board meeting

.   A dance concerts

There are so many situations where you become self-conscious because you are the center of attention. In all of these scenarios, if you fear that you are going to be judged, you are no longer in a safe place like a conversation with friends of colleagues. Your mind jumps to thoughts about what the other person or people think of you and what you are saying .It becomes very personal. My clients and students have the following thoughts at this moment of high visibility.   

NASTY SELF TALK

.  I am so boring

.  My voice is wobbly/monotonous

.  They see right through me

.  They don’t like me

.  I look old

.  I look fat

.  I feel so embarrassed and humiliated

.  I didn’t do enough research

.  My presentation is a mess

.  I am going to get killed in the Q and A

   (You get the idea)

   The following list describes the various conditioning factors that that I have discovered result in a fear of public speaking. 

.   Authoritarian parents

.   Abusive parents

.   Overly critical parents or teachers

.   Perfectionist parents or teachers

.   Obsessive parental focus on child’s behavior

.   Depressed parents

.   Parents addicted to drugs or alcohol

.   Jealous older brother or sister

.   Shaming relatives, neighbors, teachers etc.

.   Bullying

.   Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (I will discuss this in another blog)

   Public speaking phobia can also be caused by negative attention that one receives because of characteristics that are different.

.   Large nose                                           .   Over weight /Underweight

.   Skin condition                                     .    Foreign accent

.   Too short/too tall                                 .    Unsuitable attire

.   Large breasts                                       .    Small or no breasts

.   Racial /religious difference                  .   Different sexual orientation

                                       THIS BARES REPEATING 

Instead of thinking about your fear of speaking in public as a sick psychological syndrome let’s look at your phobia  as a skills deficit. That’s right .You are missing" performance skills" so you avoid opportunities to speak in public because  you fall apart in front of an audience. Why? Because so much pressure of one kind or another was put upon you at some time in the past,  that you developed a super sensitivity to being looked at. And now you can't stand being the center of attention. This is not the end of the story ! The good news is that  there is a method for training you to develop performance skills  so that  when people are looking at you, you have 55 the neural patterns (skills) for holding on to your concentration. That means that you are able to focus on what you have to say and not on the audience and what they think of you .Amazing as it sounds  with the right kind of training you can  look forward to being proud and happy to speak in public. Join the many thousands of professionals  who have found their voice through Talkpower Training . (see Talkpower Inc.com)